Seven-thousand three hundred and four days...or twenty years

I finished my second decade today at 7:08 AM. I set my alarm to make sure that Iwould be awake when I ended my teenage years, and I sat in my bed and looked out the window, watching the sunrise brilliantly behind a feathery latticework of clouds, and I remembered.
I remembered my first memory ever. I was small and it was dark, and I was in my crib. I remember being scared of the dark, so I climbed up out of my crib and left my room to look for my parent's.
I remebered the feeling of my Nana and Pop's wrinklyskin on my hands when I was young, and how happy and lively they were before the years caught up with them.
I remembered my my father, before he cut his hair, and how he and my mother and I would all go up to Massachusetts together and spend the summer there while she taught voice classes.
I remembered the time my mom acidentally slammed my fingers in the car trunk up at Massachusetts...no harm done, because all's well that ends well.
I remembered holding a dinosaur in my hands and chasing a little girl around and around on the last day a rpeschool one year. I don't remember anything else about her though...
I remembered one of my happiest and most mysterious memories ever. It was an early summer evening, when the sky was just beggining to turn blue-black, and my mother had just left to go teach up at Shakespeare and Company. My father and I both missed her, so we went and kept ourselves busy by playing in the playground on 96th street in central park. He took me and put he on the tire-swing and spun me about so that all of the lights of the city mixed together the the trees and the velvet blue of the sky. I don't think the world has ever had wuite so much mystery for me as it did in that moment.
I remembered how my Pop used to hold me up and let me peek at microscope slides on his lap.
I remembered when I met an old friend, in preschool.
I remembered playing tag with my friends up at Shakespeare and Company when i was little, and I remembered to two-person bicycle, a house where a falling tree destroyed the porch, a cat, and a dog.
I remembered playing robinhood with my friend James, whom I still talk to today.
I remembered the day I stuck a rock in my ear in Kindergarden and I had to go to Dr. Larson's to get it taken out.
I remembered the day they took us out to the Park and celebrated the solar eclips by releasing thousands of balloons into the sky...and then took us inside and wouldn't let us look out through the windows because they were afraid we would ruin our eyes.
I remembered working on "the river" with my friends all throughout elementary school.
I remembered singing along in music class.
I remembered how i got my father sick with chicken pox right before my little brother was born, and I remember holding him after they brought him back from the hospital.
I remembered creating my own imaginary world for second grade (the seven-eights) and doing my first research ever, on meerkats.
I remembered studying under Doris in third grade, whom I met again last summer at the Museum of Natural History.
I remembered going up to the farm with MCS and milking cows and mucking stall.
I remembered the magicl winter of 1996, when it blizzarded so hard that school was snowed out for a week.
I remembered visiting Nanna and Pop in Huntington, in fall, the spring, the winter, and the summer. I would watch my favorite movie: the fantastic voyage, chase Cy around the yard, and we would grill steak.
I remembered the way the glass prsim in Nana and Pop's window split the light in a rainbow all over the couch.
I remebered their musty old chess set.
I remembered how I cried and cried because I had to leave Manhattan Country School to go to public school because we couldn't afford it anymore.
I remembered reading the Narnia books with Laura Shapiro and Anna Henschal. I met Laura again years later in Highschool, and we still talk from time to time.
I remembere the feeling of the warm sun on my face as I lay on the rock in central park.
I remembered Christmass, when the city glowed with lights, back when it snowed during the winter and we had to dust it off the Christmas tree before we brought it into the house.
I remembered going to Wagner, and meeting my friends Max and Alex.
I remembered all of my summers up in Montauk.
I remembered playing handball in the courtyard of Wagner.
I remembered having passover with my Nanna and Pop in huntington.
I remembered eating a piece of pizza on top of a freezing mail-box outside of school in teh snow, because once you left for recess, you weren't let back in untill it was over.
I remebered my first fencing lesson with Ury, who asked me what kind of champion I wanted to be and wasn't satisfied when I said, "A good one?"
I remembered the class trip at the end of sixth-grade, where my father nearly went insaine.
I remembered the year when i had five math-teachers. The first one was a substitute (they didn't have a permanent one). The second one assaulted a student and then ran away. The third one one dissapeared mysteriously only to reappear teaching at a private school years later. The fourth one was good, but dissapeared after two days, and school refused to explain why. The fifth one was only present for the last week of school, and gave us a test on the last day.
I remembered eighth grade, where I finally learned how to do math, and I remember the terror of taking a real admissions test for the first time.
I remembered my trip up to before ninth grade powell house where I met Laura Shapiro again.
I remembered the days before winters became warmer and rainier every year, when you could always expect snow.
I remembered the magic of ninth grade when I felt like I had been given another chance, and a clean slate. Back when being in highschool made me feel old.
I remembered the summer and fall when my Nanna and Pop died. I took me a while to realize just how much I missed them.
I remembered the girls I had at one point or another thought I was in love with (despite never really knowing them), before life and time taught me otherwise.
I remembered my first girlfriend, and everything that happened.
I remembered my first conversation with my friend Harry, and the first time I met (and read a haiku to) Veronica, the woman who would become his girlfriend.
I remembered the intensity of applying to college. It was so furious that it made you forget to enjoy highschool.
And I remembered the easy joy of senior year after I was accepted.
I remembered the shames and triumphs of the summer between highschool and college.
I remembered coming to college and the feeling of crossing a bridge and burning it behind me. Of meeting Kate and of leaving my home, familly and life behind.
I remembered the feel of her hair against my face afterward.
I remembered the relief and the terror of comming home for Christmas.
I remembered that spring whith all its pleasures and difficulties. I rememebered how prowd I was when i passed my test, and became and EMT. I remembered the relief at surviving general chemistry.
I remembered that summer, when I worked in the Museum and spent my weekends in Connecticut worrying over Kate.
I remembered what it felt like to come back and be a sophmore again.
I remembered the weeks leading up to my birthday and going to sleep the night before. It was like walking up to a mirrir and passing through it, or counting up to zero.
I sat and remembered.
Later, I went and saw the mummies and chines artifacts in archeological museum on a class trip before coming back to read all of my birthday messages from my friends. That night, I had dinner with Kate and Allie at a wonderful Italian restaurant, and went to see Casino Royal with my friends Allie, Jason, Robert, and Andrew and had a great time.
A good birthday. A good twenty years.

I treated my first patient on monday. I wobbled through my first step into the allied health services. I suppose you could say that I took it when I got my EMT cetification, but no matter how certified you are it doesn't really count untill you've actually used it. You never know for sure about what you can do untill you've done it; untill you've had your trial by fire.
Now, mind you this wasn't a combination five car pile-up/gunshot wound/chemical weapons threat that I had to deal with here...all the same though, there is a difference between having never applied what you learned at all in a real situation and knowing that you at least can do the basics.
Actually, there were two calls, neither or which was deathly serious. The first was about as minor as it gets, but the second one involved more real work.

On a similarly medical note, I shadowed a doctor in Lehigh Valley Hospital today, and it was awsome. I don't think I have the words to describe just how badly I want practice internal medicine. Honestly, I can't think of a more awsome job in the whole world right now. Well, there go any doubts I may have had. Medical school, here I come (Now I just have to get in...).

Ivory arms and ivory skin
wrapped womb-like in auburn hair
lie warm and relaxed.
Gentle snores peep
from beneath the covers
like laughter or bells.

Course Registration...it's the most wonderful tiiiiime of the year!

Course registration here at Muhlenberg reminds of Christmas.
You look over everything you want far in advance and start planning and dreaming...
Really, a good third of the fun is waiting for it to happen...just like Christmas. The best part of Christmas happens in the weeks leading up to it when you're feeling the Christmas spirit and dreaming of getting and giving gifts. Then Christmas actually happens...and it's good, but the best half of the fun is already over. Taking courses can be fun, but planning out all the cool stuff you'r egoing to take is much better.
Except in course registration all you get is a lump of COAL instead of presents.
It's that time of year when you plot out all of your hopes and dreams for the next semester and the rest of your time in college only to watch them get dashed to pieces over the week when all the upper classmen--and yes, even other people in your grade--get to register before you and everything filles up and drifts out of your reach.

I am a bitter and angry man...and not even the fact that the Democrats pretty much swept the board in the elections can take all of the sting out of it (I'm happy about that one though...don't get me wrong).

Death on the Fifth of November

So, on Guy Fawks day ("remember, remember the fifth of November...") Saddam Hussein was sentenced to--as the old English said it--hang by the neck untill dead. Death through hanging is too kind a punishment for such a brutal dictator.
And yet, the conviction itself is nauseating.
I do not believe that it is a coincidence that Saddam was sentanced two days prior to the elections. There has been political meddling in this trial from the beggining to its end. I am not saying that I disagree with the edict, but the matter should have been allowed to proceed on it's own, not tampered with so that a political party can maintain power in country thousands of miles away.
First, to address those who doubt that the trial was tampered with, and that--as I have no doubts of myself--the date and nature of the sentencing were determined in order to boost republican ratings prior to the election.
After nearly four years of trial the date for the sentencing was issued suddenly and abruptly, around the same time that GOP ratings started dropping as we headed into election season.
Saddam Hussein's defense lawyers protested this abrupt sentencing date on the gorunds that they still had thousands of pages of material to sort through and an insufficient staff with which to do so in the alloted time, and asked for an extension. The judge dismissed their claimes and insisted that sentencing occur on the scheduled day. Shortly thereafter, their offices were ransacked without any sign of a break-in. When they told this to the judge, he dismissed their complaints.
Numerous members of Saddams defense team have resigned on the grounds that the trial is mostly for show, and that it is being conducted under political interference. Several of Saddams chief judges who would be the ones to pass sentence on him have resigned on the same grounds.
Taking these three points and looking at them all together, it begins to paint a rather suspicious picture. Now, to adress the question of wether or not the powers that be within the GOP (I'm not saying everyone is involved, just the ones who set general GOP policy and the Presidency) would be willing to do this.
First, while campaigning maybe at an all time intelectual low on the part of both parties with most candidates prefering to use slogan and catch phrases, and most especially smack talk rather than reason and policy in their campaigns, the GOP has recently sunk to the new low of using scare tactics. They recently released a new voting manual urging judges to be more aggressive in examining the credentials of voters, which is hauntingly reminiscent of reconstruction era tactics used by democrats (ironically enough) to scare away potential black voters. They paint a picture in which they are all that stands between America and terrorist induced chaos in order to swing votes. While this is as despicable as it is untrue that is not the point at the moment; the point I'm trying to make right now is that the GOP is more than willing to use unethical tactics and alter the truth to swing votes their way.
Second, there is the fact that the republicans are inextricably linked to the war in Iraq in the eyes of the American people. If we went to war to depose Saddam Hussein (because now that it turns out that there are no weapons of mass destruction, apparently we infact went to war to depose Saddam Hussein...who knew?) and he's hasn't been sentenced by the time the elections role around then it makes the Republicans look bad...almost as though they're inefficient, incompetent, and possibly lied to us about the whole reason for going to war in the first place. After all, if we went to war to depose Saddam, then why hasn't he been punished yet? In an election where they are already wildly unpopular, they can't afford this. A sentenced Saddam gives the Republican party something to crow over when they need it badly.
The Republicans have every reason to want Saddam Hussein sentenced before election day and they also had the political leverage to make it happen...and it did....after almost four years of indecision.

Now, you might say that it doesn't matter why Saddam Hussein is being killed; all that matters is that he's punished for his crimes. I agree. However, there is a time and a place for everything, and having resolved to do something one should go ahead and do it. In my opinion the right thing to do would have been to shoot Saddam as soon as we found him and had let everyone else in the world know that yes, this is in fact the real Saddam Hussein whom were executing. We knew what he had done and there was plenty of evidence if we needed to reassure ourselves. But quite frankly, if we had any doubts, then maybe we should have set them to rest before we went to war. But we didn't, instead we decided to give him a fair trial, and having decided to do so we shouldn't give it to him and then change it to a show trial for political expedience. It's particularly dangerous to execute him for political reasons (and even if the GOP claims that we aren't all the evidence is to the contrary) because it establishes a precedent and is contrary to some of the most basic tennets of our constitution. It is extremely difficult to give leaders of conquored countries fair trials because war itself is to one degree or another a collapse of international law. Its much better and much cleaner to just dispence with the pretense and execute them on the grounds that they chose to fight a war and lost. But if you're going to go and give them a trial, then it had better be a real trial and not a farce, because that's just dirty and sapps the morality of the conquoring country.

What makes me the most angry about this is that in executing Saddam we do so much to destabilize Iraq. Shiites will rejoice because Saddam is dead, but Sunnies will be angry because they are now under a Shiite government and quite frankly--issues of freedom aside--life was better for them under Saddam (recently police found over 80 tortured bodies over the course of a single night in Baghdad). So there will be an increase in sectarian violence. What does this mean? It means that the Republicans are willing to sacrifice lives and stability in Iraq if it lets them increase their hold on power here in the States.

It would have been so much if we had had the foresight to deal with Saddam Hussein in same way the Italians delt with Mussolini.

Also, Happy Guy Fawkes Day people! Whoever you are, I pray to god that you vote democrat on Tuesday. Not necessarily because the democrats are good, simply because the republicans as a party are corrupt, dishonest, dedicated primarily to perpetuating their own power regardless of the cost, and incompetent. So in the spirit of the movie V for Vendetta, "remember, remember the fifth of november, that gunpowder treason and plot," when you go and vote two days from now.

When Duty Calls...

So tonight is my second night on duty for MCEMS tonight, and since it's a saturday, the Rocky Horror Picture Show, and--according EMT superstition--a full moon, I'm almost guarenteed to get my fair shair of patients tonight.
I am delighted.
This is my first step into the world of health care, my chance to get my feet wet, and my baptism by experience.
Alas, this is also the night when I was invited to a party in Tremont by some friends. I can't go of course--which is a shame because although I peronsally am in no mood for the demon rum right now, I would like to go. Why? Because this is the first time I've been invited to a party by someone who wasn't a close and personal friend, or showed up in the entourage of one. I guess you could say it's the first time I've been inviteted simply on the basis that they sort of know me and think I'm cool and want my company at their party.
Ah well, next time. For now, I've got a busy night ahead of me.

Willow Dreams of Yesterday

Twelve tones of music
lie idle in my ears,
and sweet dreams
remind me that yesterday
is yet to come.

And drinking up all
of the colors in the sky
makes willow dreams
and yesterdays
come true.

For by and by
as I lie in the
willow world and sleep,
crying the sweet music
of warm dreams,

the gentle scent of wind
dances over me,
whispering of yesterdays
yet to come.